Three years ago, I had very few problems.
In fact, I had so few problems, that I had extra solutions that I generously handed out to everyone around me, especially my wife.
I had plenty of solutions to her problems.
She had a problem with us living in New Jersey while our extended families were all in Massachusetts.
Her problem was a result of her not appreciating that the job market was tight and it would be virtually impossible to recreate my position (and income) closer to home.
My solution was for her to accept that we would be "stuck" in New Jersey for a few more years while I waited for the job market to improve....
She had a problem with me working long, unpredictable hours at work.
Her problem was a result of her not appreciating that this was the type of schedule that allowed us to afford the luxury of her staying home with our kids while we continued to do build wealth, save for retirement and kids' college, and not have to worry about putting food on the table or keeping the lights on.
My solution was for her to understand that the trade-offs were being made in exchange for several additional luxuries that provided extraordinary value to our family.
She had a problem with me being tied to my iPhone when at home, running to review every ping, and dropping everything to get some work done in real time as it came in.
Her problem was a result of her not appreciating that my iPhone allowed me to leave the office because I knew that if I was needed I could be reached. Otherwise, I would need to be in the office more.
My solution was for her to appreciate the flexibility that allowed by remembering the times when I left the office early to meet up with her, take the kids to doctors appointments, or run errands.
She had plenty of problems. And I had plenty of solutions.
Unfortunately, as you might have guessed, none of my solutions ever solved any of her problems. If anything, they caused more problems. They definitely caused more arguments....
Indeed, it took a complete shift in perspective to begin to make any meaningful impact on those daily arguments.
Instead of viewing living in New Jersey as her problem with where we lived that she needed to resolve, I asked myself what I could do to move to Massachusetts. Not being in Massachusetts became the problem. A much easier problem to solve than "my wife not appreciating that the job market was tight...."
When I dug deeper, I realized that I had been using a tight job market as a crutch. Even worse, when I stripped away the drama of the argument (and wanting to be right...) I realized that I, too, wanted to be in Massachusetts. Once I reframed the issue in that light, I fully utilized my network of contacts and landed a job that allowed us to move to Massachusetts within a few months.
Instead of viewing her issue with me working long unpredictable hours at work as her problem and the solution as her needing to see and appreciate the tradeoffs, I started asking myself what I could do to make our schedules more predictable. This helped frame my job hunt in Massachusetts, immediately disqualifying jobs with unpredictable schedules, and resulted in me landing a job that, while not always requiring fewer hours than the job I had while living in New Jersey, certainly provides much, much more predictability.
Finally, instead of viewing me being married to my iPhone (and laptop) as her problem and the solution as her appreciating the benefit that being able to leave during the day offered, I realized that I had never been reprimanded for not replying to an e-mail within seconds. That meant that I could check my e-mails from home at one time that was convenient for my family without worrying about getting reprimanded at work. Moreover, I also told some people at work about this shift and said if there were truly an emergency that couldn't wait a couple of hours they should call my cell phone. Guess how many times they called me? (As an added benefit, checking emails at one time was much more efficient.)
Three for three, resolved in a matter of months by shifting my focus from what she needed to do to how I could change. After years of the same arguments on an almost daily basis.
So when and how can you more effectively solve problems at home?
- When: When you're ready to accept that most problems can be solved by reframing the issue in a way that allows you to control the outcome.
- How: By taking personal responsibility for resolving the issue by changing the only things you can control... your perceptions, and your actions...
It's not easy. But it's worth it.
